10 rules for blind dating

Let’s face it, blind dating is tough but then again so is meeting people. If you’ve grow up surrounded by the same friends... hanging out at the same haunts... in the same city... chances are you’ve pretty much exhausted your current pool of friends and not-so-attractive-acquaintances. So unless you got a mail order super model for Christmas, you’re probably ready to give blind dating a shot. True... it can be awkward or sometimes even lead to unbearable degrees of humiliation for either party but fear not. Sam’s here to show you how it’s done:

1)      Never go in blind. Her life is an open book. Facebook. A modern day window into her soul. Quite literally actually. Figure out what she looks like, Interests, Taste in music and more importantly look out for hot (ter) friends. Whaat?! It isn’t too late.

2)      Never ever let a sporting ex set you up on a date. No matter how ex-ed out she is or claims to be. It can and will be a total disaster. If your date doesn’t turn out to be a schizo, clepto and/or a pathological liar with nymphomaniatic tendencies (yea right... you’re not that lucky) then she’s probably missing a vital organ or has daddy issues. There. Be warned.

3)      I’m not saying the internet is a bad place to meet people but, if you do land up at the fancy French restaurant only to find a 40 year old cross dressing stenographer who actually does have a passion for collecting little china dolls (well at least he didn’t lie about that bit) waiting for you. Lustfully. Hoping you’ll love him for his inner beauty and the ‘connection’ you shared… please don’t be too surprised.

4)      Look good. Effortless good. First impressions are important. Need I elaborate on why this is necessary?

5)       Always compliment your date when you see her… Just do it right. “What a lovely dress” or, “you look beautiful” are sure shot winners. “Wow…you look so much thinner in person! What a relief...wheeew” or “Are those real?.. No way... Are they?.. Wow... Respect <long pause> you’re just messing with me right?” probably won’t take you too far.

6)      Never wear sneakers. [Exception: You’re blind dating while on the Amazing race-Asia]

7)      If things are going good please avoid bringing up your ex. No good ever came out of any references made to ex-girlfriends. If she does, please note that this is probably not a very good sign. Or cats. That could be a cause of concern too.

8)      So dinner was great and so was dessert. It’s time for the cheque. 21^st century Uh-oh. Now this needs to be dealt with utmost tact. So on one hand, you insisting on paying will bring out the underlying Femi(nist)-zilla in her who will claw you to a pulp for patronizing her and her kind BUT on the other hand if you suggest going dutch... her friends will never hear the end about the ‘douchebag’ who made her pay for her dinner. Chivalry truly is dead. So what do you do? Well you whip out your credit card and insist on using it since you can avail of a huge discount at the restaurant and if she still insists on paying even after that, Ask her to buy you coffee after.

9)      If she was boring as hell please ignore point #8 and pretend you lost your wallet.

10)  If the date goes well make sure you get her number. If not pull a ‘serendipity’ on her. Hand her a glove and tell her if it’s meant to be...it will be. Lucky for you she believes in the universe and destiny. They all do after watching that movie. Ha!

What would Sam do?

Life’s a bitch. She has an uncanny ability of throwing us some real curve balls.. Usually at times and places that we least expect. Fear not men.. Sam is here. Sam is here to help. Happy to help. Just like that Puggy pug pug telecom brand we all love to hate but really can’t do without. I seem to be straying. So what WOULD Sam do?

Scenario 1 – It’s a Friday evening. It’s been a long tough week. You’re all set to hit your favorite Pub with your buddies when your boss walks in at 5 minutes to closing and asks..Well tells you rather, that you need to stay back and finish up a presentation for him. He’s crunched on time and needs to pack for his conference in Malta and really doesn’t have the time to bother with a trivial presentation. He’s a busy man after all.

• Average Joe – “Sure boss..Consider it done.”..Cut to: Door slams shut. “That  #$%##@ #@%$#^&!!!! Grumble…grumble…grumble.
• Sam – Convince  the rookie bright eyed (but not so bright) intern who’s been making eyes at you all week long that this is her chance to shine. This presentation could fast track her to the top brass of the company in no time. Everyone will sit up and take notice. Path-breaking stuff. Standing ovations.. Drum rolls.. Build it up like the Opera. Before you know it you’ll see her having something that can only be described as an ecstatic wor(k)gasm. Enjoy your beer, a typo free presentation and your new sexy pet. Who says you can’t have your cake and eat it too?   

Scenario 2 – You forgot her birthday. You just saw it on facebook. It’s 4 pm. Dammit.

• Average Joe – He’d call her frantically and wish her.. Only to have her hang up on him. Run over with flowers and a bottle of wine in the evening and try his best to salvage the situation. Sure.. It could work if she’s fat and/or ugly and has low self esteem. Probably why he forgot her birthday to begin with.
• Sam – Diamonds are the way to any woman’s heart. Size, cut and clarity would depend on seriousness levels, how long you’ve been together and her cup size. These shiny little rocks work like magic. In their eyes you suddenly transform into a 3-in-1 gandhian monkey. My baby See/Do/Hear no wrong. 70 khoon maaf.

Scenario 3 – You run into your cheating ex at a nightclub. God she looks good. So does her bloody Arm candy.

• Average Joe – He would first have that priceless ‘deer caught in the headlights and see’s hot ex-doe’ look on his face. This will progress to a petty exchange of pleasantries (with the same look on his face) which may or may not culminate in an awkward hug but will definitely end in complete and total damnation of him i.e. average Joe.
• Sam – Walk up to her and calmly tell her you’re not mad at her for what she did to you. Maybe you did over-react just a little bit. After all, this could happen to any sexually (over)active woman in this day and age and at least, she was nice enough to give you the heads up and her doctor’s number. He was great. Make sure this conversation takes place within ear shot of Mr. Abercrombie and watch him run for the hills!…or his car in the least.

To be continued..

Style mistakes to avoid in 2011.

1) Hair product- how much is too much? Go easy boys. The wet look is out. Has been for the past decade. Crispy is no good either.

2) Love your old pair of loafers with animals.. insects and/or birds on them? Unless you're a vet or a very active member of the SPCA.. Ditch.

3) Colours are good. Let's not go crazy though. Rule of thumb any colour that is more than a colour.. Like a fruit or a flower maybe? Can and should be avoided.  Peach.. Apricot.. Atomic tangerine.. Lavender.. Bubble gum.. Coral.. Raspberry.. Lilac.. Plum.. Pistachio.. Get my drift?

4) Boys its time to ditch the backpacks. I know its hard.. With those padded shoulder straps and perfect laptop storage.. With little peek a boo's on the bottom for your headphone cables.. But style over comfort on this one if you want to be taken seriously. Seriously.

5) The Justin Beiber haircut is for Justin Beiber.

6) Grey is the new black.. And for the record pink never was and never will be.

7) There are many ways to work facial hair -A beard.. A rugged stubble.. A mustache.. All very sexy. Keep a trimmer handy. Look sharp. (Nostril strays are no good)

8) Skinny jeans are for girls.

9) No one wants to see homer every time you bend over.. or get up.. Or walk even!

10) You can't go wrong with a white linen shirt. Just don't leave the first 8 buttons unbuttoned.

Sam's bucket list.

With claims of the world and civilization as we know it ending in little over a year a bucket list is in order. Even if it doesn't.. I hear Mercury will be in retrograde for the better half of the next century. What does that mean?!? I don't know either. But I sensed from the tone that it was something bad. Evil bad.  So there.. A bucket list for us. A bucket list for Sam.

1) Karaoke.  Wait.. There's a catch. You’re only allowed 1 red bull/virgin pina colada/that pink drink. Sobriety truly is for the brave. This will definitely make a man out of you.

2) Sell the old Haveli your grandma left you (It’s probably haunted anyway) and get yourself a set of sexy wheels. 2.. 4..18 the more wheels the better. You decide.

3) Backpack through Europe.

4) Go Skydiving.

5) Own a Swiss knife and learn how to use it. All of it. Not just the bottle opener.

6) Scale a mountain.

7) Master at least one martial art.

8) Eat something alive.

9) Get off face book. And stay off.

10) Make a beautiful woman fall madly in love with you.

11) Fall in love. For real.

12) Have a 3 way.

13) Have a 4 way.

14) Own at least 1 well tailored suit.

15) Go a week without any product in your hair.

16) Go bald.

17) Learn to cook a good meal. Eggs and pasta don't count.

18) Get inked.

19) Stop lying.

20) Learn a foreign language.

21) Learn to play the drums.

22) Get a pedicure.

23) GPS. Go figure.

24) Grow a full beard.

25) Donate to a charity.

26) Date a super model.

27) Spend a dirty weekend with her.

28) Join the mile high club.

29) Live in concert - your all time favorite band/musician.

30) Get a six pack.

31) Go to Vegas!

32) Re-connect with your parents.

33) Drive a Lamborghini so fast the engine blows up.

33) Break the Bro-code. Guilt free. What the hey..The world’s ending soon right?

A commitment phobes guide to life.

1) Situation- you've been pre-approved for an auto loan of 20 lakhs by your bank. The recession is in the past.. What better time to get yourself a new pair of wheels right?

Solution- you can't carpe diem with a big fat loan on your head can you? The world's ending soon anyway.. Make do with the old buggy and live it up!


2) Situation- you've been dating for 6 months now.. She wants to take the relationship to the next step. You on the other hand have difficulty remembering her last name.

Solution- its been a cold winter.. Be chivalrous and offer her your jacket. Make sure she see's the big red hickey (self inflicted if need be) on your neck when you do so. Look confused while she storms off. It will take many months if not years for you to regain her trust. Saves you much conversation.



3) Situation- All your siblings/cousins are getting married.. The parents are getting ansy and have started sighing at regular intervals of the day. Mournfully. Loudly.

Solution- buy you're mum a wii and start your dad of with golf lessons. It should help take their mind of things. For now.



4)Situation- She wants to get a place together.

Solution- don't fight it. Morning sex is always good.



5)Situation- "Now that we're living in.. let's get a puppy!"

Solution- dogs live long. Too long. insist on a gold fish.



6)Situation- the 3 dreaded words..

Solution- stay cool.. Look deep into to her eyes.. And kiss her. Simple. If she tries to continue the conversation fake a nose bleed and blackout. Works like a charm.


7) Situation- V day is around the the corner. She is expecting the works.

Solution- fake a work trip. She'll understand. She always does. Just make sure you lie low and don't run into her at your favorite watering hole the same evening. Slap.


8) Situation- she wants to go on a holiday. Sweet.. Romantic.. Just the two of you. <3

Solution- holiday sex is the best. Way better than morning sex. To safeguard your interests further pick a destination of your choice so if you both do end up running out of conversation you're not the one stuck in bor(ed)ivili. Ha!


9) Situation- its time to meet the parents.

Solution- {disclaimer: don't try the hickey to get out of this one. Repercussions may be far more sever with daddy dearest in the equation. Especially if he's in the army. Chances are surprisingly high. You'd be surprised} wiggle wiggle wiggle and then wiggle some more and get yourself out of it.


10) Situation- you're moving to another city and she insists on keeping the relationship going. Long distance. Gulp.

Solution- within a week of moving get real busy. Ween down your contact with her to liking her facebook updates. She'll move on. In a jiffy. Ta da!